Don't Believe the Diagnosis

I had some incredible personal insight in the last couple of weeks and couldn’t wait to share it with you all! Some of you know, some of you may not know that I have Bipolar Disorder (as well as the eating disorder… I hit the jackpot on that one!: :)). I have chosen to currently be an activist for Eating Disorder Awareness, because I feel (for me) it was healthy to choose one thing at a time! :)

I was diagnosed with Bipolar at age 15 and missed most of my high school experience. It was a really difficult time in life (not that any time is super great) to have something going wrong with my brain. All my friends were learning how to drive, were excited about Prom and Homecoming, had new experiences with dating/boyfriends/girlfriends, first kisses, and all the other “normal” things that high school age kids do. I, on the other hand, was severally medicated, zombie-like, in and out of inpatient hospital, and often felt very alone and even suicidal.

At the age of seventeen, I had been seeing a doctor for about a year and a half, and he clearly didn’t know what to do with me. He went to the lengths to tell my parents that I would be permanently hospitalized for the rest of my life and would not be able to care for myself or (yeah, get ready for this) that I would not live to be an adult. My parents swooped me out of that setting so quickly it would make your head spin! We found a new, wonderful doctor in Spokane that I have been seeing ever since. But it was during that time that I had a decision to make: Live or Die. I had goals that I wanted to accomplish (which formed and evolved over the years as the medication was lowered and made me less of a zombie). Education was a huge one of them! I knew what it felt like to be in the pits of despair, and I believe it gave me the necessary empathy to really be able to help others struggling with the same or similar struggles. I wanted to help them and show them that ANYTHING is possible!

So here comes the insight: I was talking with my mom a few weeks ago and was upset and crying and asking why am I so different? Obviously, I still have the struggles that anyone with Bipolar would be given, but I’m different! I hear so many stories of people being diagnosed (usually during their early 20’s) and dropping out of school, living with their parents, needing help forever, going on and off their medication, and not really functioning much at all. Then here I am, with a Master’s degree and working on the 2nd year of my Doctorate Program!

Everyday I’ve had to fight for myself, fight for my dreams, really know what my goals are and fight tooth and nail for them! But what makes me different than most of the other individuals diagnosed with Bipolar? My mom said something very interesting to me. She said simply, “We didn’t believe the diagnosis.” It shocked me! Now what she meant by that was not that they were in denial. They knew something was wrong, but they didn’t believe the Bipolar diagnosis was ME or that it took anything away from Rae. They believed I still had the potential to do and be whatever I wanted be! They helped push me, just far enough that it wasn’t too much to break me, but enough that I was still growing and learning. They were my biggest supporters and cheerleaders.

I believe I have a purpose…and that’s to help people. I’ve been given (thankfully!) an incredible support system that has allowed to grow and keep growing to my potential. That’s what I want to do for others.

So my message today is: DON’T BELIEVE THE DIAGNOSIS. Not to say to be in denial about it. Accept it. Acknowledge it. Learn to work with it and adapt to it. Learn what makes you happy, and choose to have more happy days than struggling days. But the diagnosis not YOU. I am not the Bipolar. I am not the Eating Disorder. It is part of me, but it is NOT ME! I think that’s such a powerful message, and I pray that it will touch someone who reads this!

Let’s change the world together!