Beaty and Hope Amongst the Grays

I

know during my years of battling eating disorder demons, my world was defined by black and whites. Everything was ruled by specific numbers, regulations, laws, and picky little counting games. I couldn’t eat over xxx calories during a day or my life was ruined. If I took more than one bite, my feeling of control was gone and I felt like a failure…I may as well just eat every single thing in the kitchen and then get rid of it from my body. When I exercised I had to do so in hourly increments. If I looked down at the treadmill and found I had missed stopping at the 3 hour marker, even by 3 minutes, then I may as well go on to 4 hours. Numbers, calories, weight, portion sizes…my life was rigidly set in strict black and whites.

I was bound by my own prison…my mind. It was an endless hell.

As I chose that I wanted to live and that I had goals I wanted to achieve, flecks of gray began to introduce themselves into my days. Going on a walk when the sun was shining, just to feel the warmth, and not to calculate time spent, calories burnt, etc., was an amazing feeling. I began to feel alive again. Being able to go to a restaurant with a loved one and choose something off the menu that sounded delicious (rather than low in fat or calories), as well as being able to enjoy a portion that my body was comfortable with (as opposed to the “one bite and it’s all over” mentality…and now I’ve got to rush home and get rid of this) and really enjoy the flavor of my food were all such wonderful new experiences….all in the grey…no rules.

I’m definitely not perfect in my world of grays. This is why I still refer to myself as in recovery, instead of recovered. Whether or not I’ll ever feel ready to say I’m fully recovered, I don’t know. What I do know is that there’s HAPPINESS and HOPE amongst the grwys, whereas in the black and white there is none. I also know it’s a process.

“One day at a time,” a fellow passenger of recovery once messaged me.

So here we are, standing today! Are you feeling black and white? Ruled by…rules? Take one step for yourself today. Color your world a little gray. Tell yourself how much you love and appreciate you. Throw out that scale. Eat something really yummy…just because. Go for a walk in the sunshine…don’t count the calories or the time spent.

Splash a little gray in your world. Believe me, that’s where the happiness is!